Interpreting my advisor

The one thing I’ve learned today is to never again take my main advisor seriously. Here are some examples, based on what he did or said before and how it is actually turning out now:

He said: “I don’t suggest PhD topics to my new students. Go figure out what you want to do and come back.”
What I should have heard: “Go wait for a week and I will send you a topic you should work on.”
Just for the records, I did not accept his topic and instead chose my own, which I will never regret, even if I don’t get a PhD.

He said: “Postpone your oral exam because if you publish your paper first it will make it much easier to pass the oral exam.”
What I should have heard: “You won’t pass the exam until I tell you to take it. You might not even pass then. I don’t give a damn if you publish anything.”

He said: “I have a lower passing bar for you because you already have a job and are not interested in career in academia.”
What I should have heard: “Because you are making a lot more money then I could ever pay you, I will make you as miserable as I can. That includes setting high expectations for the oral exam, postponing it till you are blue in the face, and giving you no advice on your research.”

He said: “Just because your job title is research scientist, doesn’t mean you can do independent research.”
What I should have heard: That + “I will make sure that you do a very independent research by not helping you at all and make you stay in grad school for a very long time to make it stick.”

He said: “You will decide on and write our joint portion for the (big important expensive) grant.”
What I should have heard: “You can come up with a proposal that can be accepted by the best scientists in this country, but don’t for one minute think that it will mean you are capable of passing your oral exam or that I will think any higher of you.”

I am off to buy some ice-cream and go home. I'm giving myself a big red splash on the progress calendar, because I did nothing today and the whole day feels like a bloody mess. Thus red is quite appropriate.