Where all I can do is to stare at my Outlook's inbox

This stupid stuff has paralyzed me. All I can think about now is that I am a failure and it will be quite evident whenever my exam ends up being scheduled for. I am beating myself up for not starting earlier on this studying thing. Did I really think I can recall and restudy so many topics in one month while working full-time? I am an idiot.

So I just sit here paralyzed. I know I have to move on. Start doing something. Little step at a time. Whatever. But I just have this cold feeling of despair washing over me time and time again. I feel like I'm standing on a slippery ice, I can't make a step in any direction because I won't move anywhere anyways so why waste a breath.

I sent him an email back. And now I dread and look forward to his response at the same time. Until it comes my life seems to be stuck in this drudgingly cold shower of despair . And after it comes my life might take a turn into a direction I really don't want it to go. Or maybe it won't come for awhile or his response will be about something entirely unrelated and as vague and subtly hostile as always. Or what if he is mad now, like openly mad at me? What do I do then?

I don't even feel like going home where I could curl on the couch and submerge into TV-induced coma. I'm afraid I'll feel guilty for wasting a perfectly nice evening to get more work done.

The one thing that did help today is exercise. I was so hyper and lost that I somehow forgot all my excuses for not exercising and went to the gym as if they promised Jesus there. I ran a whole mile without stopping. I don't remember the last time I could do that. And the exercise did help to take the edge off a little bit. But it is building back up now.

Still no email from him. Darn.