The draft is getting better!

My eyes are shot now. I've been working on and off the whole day and staring at the computer screen has finally gotten to me. Despite working from 10 am to 6:30 pm, I'm behind. I still have about 1/3 of my draft to go through. I wanted it to be finished today, but alas it will have to be tomorrow. My eyes need rest. And so does my brain.

The good news is that the other 2/3 of the paper somehow formed into a decent draft which I'm not embarrassed to show to my co-authors. I still have lots of doubts and concerns, but I just have to plug away and keep on fixing things one by one.

Tomorrow will be another hard day, but hopefully not as hard as today was. I also hope I won't fall into my Saturday's dread all over again. Did I mention I got nothing done on Saturday? Yep. Totally wasted the whole day. Oh well. At least I didn't waste today.

Now I'm off to go home and remind my hubby that I actually exist.

P.S. Almost forgot: today is the last day of summer (calendar-wise). How sad is that?

Procrastinating. You knew it was coming.

Arghh, it's 1:14 pm and what do I have done? Nothing! Nothing! I'm mad at myself.

First of all, yesterday I did very little. Didn't even started on the two sections I was planning to. Instead I played a board game with a co-worker for half-an-hour and then tried to fix my examples one more time. So much for raving about my victories over perfectionism.

I also stayed up late watching "The Siberian Barber", a russian movie about love between a russian cadet and an american woman. I loved the movie when I watched it first time in 1999. Yesterday, it made me cringe many times. The main story is still very touching and sad and powerful. But all its stylized russainness felt awkward and false. It would have fit in a comedy where every image must be sharp and on the edge of ridiculous, but in this movie it felt prideful and nationalistic... I still like the movie though. I just think russians tend to think they are better than anyone else and that they are so freaking mysterious and misunderstood.

This is a snapshot from probably the funniest episode from the movie. Obviously, it involves heavy drinking. Sigh.Anyway, what was i talking about? Oh yes. I'm mad. At myself. I stayed late, got up late, didn't know how to start my morning and voila! It's afternoon and nothing is done. Great. Just great.

Say no and...

Why didn’t I post yesterday? I should post every day for these two months. Keep myself accountable. Besides this blog my support consists of only my husband. And his support amounts to saying things like “do not dare to come home before 9pm, stay at work and study”, “you have get up very early”, “I told all of our friends that you are not allowed to do anything (fun) with them until November”. Ahh, it makes me both happy and sad. I’m happy because he really cares and he knows I need him to keep steady at making progress. I’m sad because… well it sucks.

It is tough to work full day and then switch gears to the dissertation at night. I love my work and it is very demanding and I get involved in projects I don’t always have time for. So by 5pm I’m spent. Many times I’m not even done with work by 5 pm.

But for these two months I must be brutal. I have to say “no” to whatever steals my time away from the preparation for the oral exam, whether it is extra work, outings with friends, movies, internet, and maybe even more essential things such as cooking and some sleep.

So how did I do yesterday? Not bad overall. I finished the next two sections of the paper. And they both look terrible at this point, but hey at least there is something to look at. I did figure out that the examples I intended for the paper are not the best ones and so I spent some time trying to find other examples. That meant waddling in a lot of mathematical equations for awhile until I gave up looking for a perfect example and instead chose the one that makes enough sense. Let’s see what my co-authors say about this. If they don’t like it, I’ll keep on searching.

I’m getting better with perfectionism cravings. When I realize that I’m trying to perfect something, I glance at a clock in the bottom of the screen and give myself 5-10 more minutes to figure it out and that’s it. No more. Move on to the next part. It helps me get things done on time. But what will I think of it on Saturday when I’m putting everything together? I might be quite mad at myself for doing such a terrible sloppy job.

Today I got two last sections to go. Is that really it? This seemingly immeasurable paper somehow fit into a finite number of sections? Amazing!

Yesterday went well. Although I couldn't switch gears from work routine to school routine for about 2 hours, I still managed to do what I've planned.

The major goal for this week is to write the first draft of my paper. Two weeks ago I drafted a flow of arguments for the article. Sort of like a list of one-line directions: first say this, than describe that, than show this, etc. It became my road map for the paper and took out some of the frustration over the whole thing.

Yesterday I broke this list down into 4 writing chunks to be done each day, leaving Saturday and Sunday for fixing up figures, tables and most importantly for revising the whole draft. I also had to write my first chunk yesterday. As I said, it took me nearly 2 hours to "get in the mood". My brain was braking around any thought which would initiate writing. It was like a little baby, demanding snacks, jokes, and blogs. Finally though, I have faced the fact that there is no way I will be successful with this endeavor if I'm not successful today! There is no tomorrow, I can only control what I get done today.

It was a deal breaker. Even though the whiny baby in me still moaned on the background on how terribly painful it is to write, the reasonable self took over and started writing. There were a few times where I'd get stuck or get overwhelmed by the complexity of different arguments and how each argument should precede another so how in the world am I going to order them?? But what I told myself is "Just write!", "Concentrate on what you want to say for this chunk and worry about how it all fits in later".

Today I did the same thing with the next two chunks. Except I rearranged my work schedule a bit, so I got the writing done earlier in the day and will take some work home instead.

I hated each sentence, each paragraph I wrote. I am sure that they are choppy and ugly and weak. I keep freaking out that I have not written much and immediately afterwards that I'm trying to say way too much. Yet somehow I also have this certainty that it's a good progress! First of all, I have something written down. Out of my head onto the paper! Yay! It is already more than what I had a week ago. A lot more! Second of all, as the time approaches the weekend this paper is "brewing" in my head and the structure will emerge and things will fall into place. I'm not binging but making steady progress. I'm not relying on tomorrow to get things done. How great is this feeling?!

The other two goals for this week were to contact my committee to arrange the oral exam date (DONE! but two of them have not written back to me yet. It's been 24 hours, people! How long do you need to tell whether you are free or not on a certain day two months away?) and to figure out what chapters I should have in my research proposal. With this last one I wonder... maybe I should ask my advisor if my paper would be ok for research proposal. After all, department guidelines state that research proposal is a 10-page document and I'm already planning to give two papers to the committee, each about 10 pages long. My research proposal as I see it will easily be about 50 pages on top of that. Hmm... does it sound more like a dissertation to anyone?

Mission (im)possible

Today is the day. The beginning of two-month "purgatory" (as my husband called it) before the oral exam.

I have a plan. A masochistic plan with impossible expectations for each week. Yet there is no other way to get things done. Stay posted for the frequent freak outs.

My husband got strangely excited last night, when I told him about my "mission impossible" plan. He quite enthusiastically started painting this grim picture of me not sleeping, not eating, not watching TV or playing on the Internet but working from 7 am to 10 pm every day. I could only occasionally insert "dude!" in between his tirades. After awhile he agreed that maybe I should get some sleep after all.

I love that my husband is very supportive and not selfish about this! He believes in me more than I do. And he seems to be also more excited about the prospects of life after the oral exam than I am. And I am quite excited myself! I really need to keep this happy thought throughout these two months. Maybe I should post on a cubicle wall what I can do after passing the exam.

So far my list has one item: get drunk. Now, this is definitely my deeply ingrained Russian heritage speaking here, because the conscious me does not like heavy drinking at all and frankly I can only hold one drink, maybe two. So I need to think of some other inspirational activities which are only possible after the oral exam. Also, you know, my employer might not appreciate the perpetual note "Get drunk!" on my wall.

Well, it's time. Time to write the first draft of my paper which must go out to my co-authors by Sunday morning. AND, if I get done sooner, I'm treating myself to a badly needed haircut. Wish me luck!

P.S. I meant, wish me luck with the first draft, not the haircut.

P.P.S. Come to think of it, luck with a haircut wouldn't hurt either. I've got plenty of bad ones before.

The master plan of hard work and deep misery

Sunday ended up wasted after all. I watched some Olympics, stumbled around the Internet, and went home after over 5 hours of unproductiveness.

My major goal for tonight is to write a schedule for the next 3 months. It is crucial that I do that since I have several key events, the most important being my oral exam. Other events include two trips abroad and a grant proposal.

I've been postponing my oral exam for awhile now. I think I got both of my advisors to the point where passing the exam is more of a formality than a necessity. Having said that, my major advisor is a tough cookie and he will not lose sleep over failing me. At least he got me to strongly believe in this possibility. Thus I must prepare and study an undefined amount of subjects in an undetermined depth as he doesn't believe in telling me what I should know for the exam either.

Postponing the exam beyond 2008 is not an option for several reasons:

1. I am sick and tired of having it hanging over my head.
2. It is a definite step toward my PhD, with the length of step > 0.
3. My husband and I are buying a house in 3-4 months. I need time and energy for searching for our perfect home, making financial arrangements and moving! And I want to enjoy the process as much as possible.
4. I will lose tuition benefit from work if I don't take thesis credits. And I can't take them until I've passed the oral exam.

So this what I'm going to do (before going home tonight!) and report back:

• Identify all big projects for the fall. DONE!
  
• Bird's view of deadlines (with some vague idea of whether it is possible to achieve) DONE and it looks awful! I have to write THREE BIG things in ONE TINY month: a paper, a research proposal and my portion of our grant. Good luck to me. As I said before, there is no postponing. If September going to be hell, at least it will be over soon.
  
• Email to my advisors for their approvals. DONE! Let's see what they say...
  

I also got to read this paper which is very close to what I was planning to do. Fortunately for me, the authors are basing their work on a faulty assumption, which means my discovery is still "unscooped". However, fixing their work might not be so difficult once I "come out", so I need to reflect on how to proceed. In any case it is clear that I must publish as soon as I can. Ahhh, another major item for this list. Yeah... Not happening today... I obviously worked too hard to write a plan for the fall. And now I'm trying to soothe myself with some candy because seriously how am I going to make it through September?

Ok, off I go.

The best day of this summer

Ok, so it is Sunday and I am at work. Totally normal for me. Also normal: I'm not working but rather avoiding it until the numbers on the clock shock me into submission to get at least something done to justify yet another weekend sacrificed to the dissertation.

Saturday was a fun day. Well, I did work on a plan for the fall in the morning, but most of the day I spent at the State Fair with my hubby and our friends. It was a blast from the beginning to the end!

First, we subjected ourselves to watching animals giving birth. I'm not sure why we decided to do that actually, because none of us really wanted to watch it, but somehow it translated into a fun idea for a group activity. Go figure! Then we (ahem, boys) gawked at bunch of tractors and other boring machinery stuff. And in between, we ate bunch of fried food. I tried to stay away from it as much as possible. Somehow even if you know that the food is bad for your health AND it also tastes bad, there is still a fair amount of temptation to eat it. I got no clue why!

I also picked up a bunch of brochures for green living. We are planning to buy a house next year and I'm looking forward to all the things we can do with it, especially eco-friendly things. My hubby is not entirely thrilled with my enthusiasm, but as long as he lets me dream, I got a chance :) So far the only dream that has been crushed is a green roof. Yeah. He was pretty clear that ain't gonna happen. Oh well, I still got my dream of composting. Oh, and he does not know about it yet. Shhh. He is not ready for it yet.

The last thing we did at the fair is go on a water ride. The sun has already set and it was somewhat chilly so obviously it was a good time to get wet. It was a great ride though.

Since it wasn't that late yet and we didn't feel like being at the fair any longer yet not ready to part our ways for the night, we decided to get together for a drink and a game of cards. The decision was cemented by our bus driver who decided we really needed a blast of air-conditioned air to dry our clothes. A sip of cognac never looked more appealing than during that ride. I ended up drinking mojitos though. We were laughing the whole evening and it was a perfect ending to the perfect day. I haven't had a day like this for a really long time...

But today... Today I am at work, fighting a headache and general unwillingness to do anything. But the clock is ticking.

Looking for my shining sink...

I am swamped. Tired. Exhausted. The plan habit is not going well. I don’t need to write a plan for the day because I’ve been using the same plan for a week now. And the funny thing is? None of the items are done yet! Why, you ask? Because every day I come to work, some kind of disaster is waiting for me to deal with. Sometimes I cannot even tell what my time was spent on. But by 5pm I am exhausted. Just wiped out.

Now. Normal people go home at 5pm. Me? Not normal. I got my dissertation to deal with. And that is another bucket of problems and decisions to deal with. I have a lot of stuff coming up this fall: two important trips, which both require substantial preparation; a paper which lays foundation to my future research; a grant; a research proposal; and the most important thing of all – my oral exam. Oh, the rush of stress hormones every time I think of that!

The good thing is that most of the above schoolwork items are overlapping and interdependent. However, what I really REALLY need to do is to… write a plan! Schedule all the things to take care of and by when. A nice quote I read the other day:

Long-term planning is not about making long-term decisions, it is about understanding the future consequences of today's decisions. (Gary Ryan Blair)

As for the FLYing at work, well it is not quite happening for me yet. I keep thinking of how I can apply FlyLady’s advice to my work and everything fails. My schedule at work is determined by a lot of outside factors, which I cannot control. On the other hand, I could find 15 uninterrupted minutes. So what would be my “shining sink” at work? Something to remind me that I’m on my way to make it less stressful and more enjoyable?

I’m thinking I should de-clutter the corner of my desk where my computer is. I have pictures, documents, quotes, calendars hanging on the cubicle wall, directly in my sight all the time. Maybe they contribute to my mind being busy and distracted… Ok. It is settled then. I am off to “shine” my work corner.

Rethinking it a bit

In the last two days following my daily plans was a disaster! On the first day, I had to take care of so many emergent tasks that I hardly started on anything I actually planned to do. However, throughout the day I guided an intern through a code troubleshooting and by the end of the day she found the mistake and all of her analysis look immensely better now. That was very gratifying experience for me.

Today I had meetings back-to-back all day long, with maybe an hour total of being at my desk. On the other hand, that’s all I planned for today: have efficient meetings with specific conclusions. It was successful in this regard. Ok, so the plan failed only on one of the two days.

On a bigger scale though, I’m not sure I’m tackling organization of chaos at work in a FlyLady style. She builds habits, you know. Like clean a hot spot for 2 minutes daily. It can be a different spot every day. What could be a similar habit at work? Check/respond to your emails for 5 minutes each hour? I mean, while I respond to most of my emails, there are always some which I postpone and so the sit in my inbox for days until I go through a major cleaning. You know, now that I’m writing about it… It really is similar to a hot spot!

Going back to the habit at hand: creating a plan for each day. I’m not entirely convinced that it is a bad or unrealistic idea, but something is missing in the way I’m doing it. Is it too detailed and narrow-focused? I catch myself stressing out about other important projects which didn’t make it on my list for today, but they really-really need to get done…

Ok so this is my task for Friday:

Write down the names of all big important projects I have on my plate.

It’s big if it will take more than an hour to do. It is important if it gives me butterflies in the chest and stomach. It is a project if it has a well-defined goal.

A thought for the future: write down my random daily activities, like gym, reading articles, responding to emails, etc.

Undoable plans

So, writing a plan for the day is not difficult. Neither is assigning amounts of time it is going to take to complete each item. And it takes me less than 10 minutes to put together. My biggest problem so far is about being realistic about my expectations. Here is what I’m learning:

• Meetings always need a half-an-hour buffer at the end. It is due to either the meeting running over, or getting engaged in an interesting conversation, or making notes on what needs to be done next and when.
• I severely underestimate how long it will take me to write something (email, document, summary, etc). Safe estimate would be to guess and then multiply by 3.
• Plan on unexpected interruptions and delays. Today I spent about 2 hours getting a program installed. It is still not installed. I planned to be done in 15 minutes…
• I forget that I need to rest and unwind. Not just with random breaks but with a conscious effort like going for a walk outside for 10-15 minutes.

Overall, it seems that I get about a quarter to a half of things done in one day. Tomorrow I’ll put a plan as if I’m working only until noon. My Dad always taught me to multiply all estimates by 2. He found it especially useful for my Mom’s estimates of clothes shopping expenses :). I should apply the same wisdom to this plan habit of mine.

Habit #1: Write a plan for the day

I have a post in mind to outline the rules of this blog, but it will have to wait. Today, I would like to announce the first habit I am working on in the month of August:

Habit #1: Start each morning with sketching a to-do list for the day.

• Write down your expectations for the day. If the day is going to be busy with meetings, random phone calls and such, then include time for them on your list. If you plan to take rest, write down what you envision as a day well spent (TV all day? walk outside? revive an old knitting project? call home?). This way you'll be able to see progress at the end of each day and not feel guilty.
  
• Be specific. If an item takes longer than 30 min to complete, it should be broken into smaller chunks.
• Don't let the perfectionism get hold of you. The whole plan creation should take no more than 15 minutes, and a perfect item on the list should take about 15 minutes to complete.
• Have the list ready before you start working. Either first thing in the morning before work, or as the last thing after work the day before, have the plan for the day ready.

I have been working on this habit since the beginning of August. Some days it works better than others, but it is too early to say if it is going to stick with me or not...

What it is all about

My reasons for this blog:

• Work and school are very large part of my life. I work full-time and love my job so much that many overtime hours go by without much notice. I am also working on my PhD dissertation. By God's grace my topic is not only enormously interesting to me, but also to many other people. When I lose heart they remind me of my passion. That keeps me going through the long endless hours after my work day is finished.
• Family and church, rest and exercise are suffering from the lack of consistent attention. Usually I simply run out of time to do any of these. And the sadness from missing out on them outweighs the joy of success on work and school front.
• I waste a lot of time. I see a lot of free time potential throughout my days. I waste a lot of time by perfecting tasks, by avoiding difficult ones (which end up taking 10 minutes to complete), by poor planning, by procrastinating...
• I lack balance. I've been down the road of being dedicated only to work or only to school or only to marriage. No matter how much was accomplished during those feats, there were terrible consequences for all other aspects of my life. Tomorrow may never come. I only have today and it has to have space for all the things I love.
• I am tired of reading someone else's advices. There is a lot of good advice on the Internet on how to organize, motivate yourself, create steps to success, whatever. I enjoy reading them, enjoy imagining myself being all efficient and productive. But I never become that person. At best I give an advice a try for a few days and then slide back to same old, same old.
• FlyLady rocks my house. If your house is always in chaos, if cleaning is always a major commitment that leaves you breathless for days, if you can never invite anyone over, and if you really really hate it, then FlyLady is your next stop. I've been a FlyBaby for just a few months, but my home has seen a tremendous improvement. Even though I have so little time to take care of it.

Unfortunately for me, FlyLady's advice mostly covers house chores only. And I need to FLY at work and school just as much, if not more. FlyLady has a couple of good advices, which should apply to other areas of my life: build new habits slowly and take baby steps.

So what is this blog going to be about? I have not the slightest idea! I hope it'll be about building new habits and taking baby steps and seeing myself through to a happy balanced future (hopefully void of dissertation at some point!). However, I have a growing suspicion that complaining, reporting failures and blogging on completely unrelated subjects in attempts to avoid my goal as much as possible will be a large part of this journey as well.